Beninski Employs His Computer-Like Skills of Analysis to Try to Make Sense of America's By-Elections
Is this a VA-NJ Pattern of Two, or a NY-23 Pattern of One?
Is this the Republican Restoration?
A Contard Come-Back?
Do two points of data correlate to form a pattern in anything but the sick twisted universe of such uneducated morons as Rush Limpballs, Sean Vannity and Cry-Baby Beck?
As Virginia goes, so goes New Jersey?
Or is a Pattern of One emerging?
Does NY-23 signal a Time of Troubles pitting the Wing-Nuts against the Normal Republicans?
An Uncivil War between the Birfers and the Teabaggers on the one hand and the Country Club set on the other?
Is Gilligan sharpening his coconut blade for Mr. Howell?
So, Beninski, what is your conclusion?
Fuck if I know. Somebody get me a beer.
Beninski Does Some Research, and Reverses Himself
Beninski halts work on the Jesus Project after closely examining the results of his Crucifixion Experiment Comrade V.I. Beninski, building upon his earlier post about updating his persona in a somewhat more Christ-like direction, has found reason to Change his Mind. It appears that based upon his reading of the Biblical books of John, Luke, Paul and Ringo, he identified the Crucifixion as a central element of the Nazarene Mojo. And Beninski wants some of that.So the evil bastard acquired a scientific experimental laborotory on the cheap from a certain Richard Heene, who had urgent lawyer bills to pay, along with a couple of lab chimps and a whole butt-load of white mice. Beninski was able to establish that time spent nailed to a Charleston Chews billboard did not qualify him for martyrdom in the eyes of the Church, particularly since he was affixed to it not by nails but by chewing gum and feces. So he built a cross out of some scrap 2X4s and then nailed one of his chimpanzees -- called Travis, apparently -- onto the damned thing and then watched for 24 hours to see what would happen, poking the uncooperative primate with a faux bronze spear as necessary.After all, Beninski is nothing if not a Scientist.When the chimp finally went limp, a physical state Beninski knows all too well from years of personal experience, he pryed the seemingly dead chimp off the cross-like structure so that he could put the dead chimp-Christ in his own personal Port-A-Tomb to await Resurrection in another three days' time. Instead the ape went, well, ape-shit and bit fifty-three new holes in Beninski's head. Then the vicious thing scampered off and is currently AWOL.Following the incident of two years' earlier involving the dreaded Marilyn Petrocelli and a pick-axe, Beninski is sensitive about massive deadly assaults to his brain, face and general head-parts. Consequently he is shelving plans to emulate Jesus Christ and has shifted his focus to recapturing Travis and selling his still beating heart to a California organ donor programme. Labels: Assault and Battery, Charleston Chews, Clever Scandal, Errant Nonsense, Jesus Bonobo Christ
Beninski struggles mightily to puzzle out the meaning of Balloon Boy and his awful, awful parents
The Green-Eyed Monster of Envy Accosts Comrade V.I. Beninski
and Beninski Accosts the Son of a Bitch Right Back
Beninski has been unusually quiet these past few days, and not without reason. He has been fascinated by the incredible volume of press attention funneled into the cluster-fuck scam created by Balloon Boy and his apeshit parents.
My God, thought Beninski, what a simple yet startlingly retarded scheme. Inflate a tin-foil balloon, stash Balloon Boy in a box somewhere, launch the tin-foil balloon and pretend that Balloon Boy is in the balloon. You might think that the trillion dollar media industry might have investigated the sketchy parents' history of rabid publicity seeking and other odd behaviours. Or you might think that television audiences would have something better to do than watch a jiffy pop balloon weave and bob up and down over the badlands of Colorado. But anyone who would think such rubbish clearly would underestimate the gullibility of the American people, the same shit-for-brains gang of morons who made Sarah Palin, Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck rich and famous.
No, to Beninski's astonishment, billions of pairs of viewers' eyes fixated on the image of this dubious dirigible, opened wide with fear and sorrow when the damned thing fell to the earth, and welled up with tears of joy as the bowl-headed father produced what appeared to be a safe and sound Balloon Boy. Leave aside the fact that it was rather quickly determined that the whole charade was naught but a cheap publicity stunt. The fact remained that Balloon Boy Daddy and Balloon Boy Mama-san both managed to monopolize the world's attention for at least three news cycles.
DAMN! thought Beninski as he slammed his fist into the wall. Why can't I get any of that attention? Suddenly, it came to him: All I need is my own balloon, my own balloon boy, and my own sniper's rifle.
Beninski stumbled into the realization that the rage America is pouring out over Balloon Boy and his shit-eating excuses for parents is not a function of outrage over laws being broken, children being endangered, or tax dollars being wasted. Fuck no. Rather, the seething anger that has gotten Americans so wee-weed up about this scandal all radiates from the fact that they were cheated. We were promised a Balloon Boy, Goddamit, and one dangling from a balloon to boot. Instead all we got was this vomitous little snot of an Attic Boy (who it turns out probably was never even in the attic) and his lousy excuse for a fool father and a monkey-faced mother.
Well, fuck that shit.
Beninski has therefore resolved to give America what it wants. He is going to give it what it needs. Unable quickly or easily to find a boy he could send heavenward, Beninski settled for a homeless dwarf whom he enticed into a basket attached to a surplus weather balloon into which Beninski had cleverly placed three bottles of Night Train and some Percodent. As of this writing, Beninski is furiously inflating the balloon and feverishly loading his sniper rifle. Somewhere over the Eastern Seaboard, he intends to shoot down the balloon and send a Real Balloon Boy hurtling head-first towards the Jersey Turnpike.
At that point he will present himself to receive America's full measure of tribute and gratitude.
Beninski feels confident this plan will succeed where his previous schemes have failed. Yeah right.
Labels: America's Bitter Disappointment, Asian Slave Mother, Balloon Boy, Dumb Ass Father, Jiffy Pop Balloon
Comrade Beninski, Moved to Poetry
Ode to Tom Delay
There once was a hack named Tom Delay
Whose only wish was to dance and be very gay
But all he could deign us
Was a blast from his anus
And a tip of his ill-fitting toupee.
Labels: Closet Queens, Farting Republicans, Tom Delay, Toupees
Four Reasons You Might Be Sarah Palin
The causes of Sarah Palin are a major talking point between Sarah Palin supporters.
This article explores some of the reasons for Sarah Palin. Sarah Palin is one of those problems that are very common but that are not talked about very often. After all, how many people are you aware of that actually enjoy talking about problems with Sarah Palin? There are lots of people that are comfortable to talk about problems such as Rush Limbaugh, but you would be hard pressed to find the same number that are comfortable talking about Sarah Palin.
Potential Causes of Sarah Palin
There are thought to be many reasons why Sarah Palin exists; however, at the moment it is believed that there is not a definitive single cause that will lead an individual to become Sarah Palin. What there is evidence of are factors and lifestyles that make it likelier or make you more prone to become Sarah Palin. The more of these factors that come into play in someone''s life then potentially the more likely they are to be susceptible to becoming Sarah Palin.
1. Poor diet: Some people have the belief that third world or developing countries do not suffer from Sarah Palin as much, or in the same way, because they do not have the diet of processed foods that the western world has. Processed foods that are loaded with all sorts of preservatives and additives, have been know to cause problems with the gut and with constipation and diarrhea, these issues can and do, sometimes lead to someone transmogrifying into Sarah Palin. Because of a poor diet, many in the western world also suffer from vitamin deficiencies, some of these vitamins that are missing are essential to help the body heal quickly and a slow healing body can add to the likelihood of Sarah Palin forming. The last thing to keep in mind is that a diet that is low in fiber can lead to problems such as constipation that, as mentioned earlier, can lead to someone being more prone to becoming Sarah Palin.
2. Heavy lifting or Straining while having a bowel movement: You should be very careful while lifting heavy objects as this can be a major contributing factor to you becoming Sarah Palin. Straining while you are going to the toilet is also another well known contributor to someone becoming Sarah Palin.
3. Genetics: Some experts believe that the role of genetics in determining whether someone will become Sarah Palin, is hugely underrated. Studies have show that a significant number of Sarah Palin supporters, also have family members who suffer from the condition. However, this belief is also being challenged by some who believe it is not the genetics that is the main factor but the lifestyle and environment that are similar within the family unit that makes other family members more likely to becoming Sarah Palin, for example: If the person who does the cooking in a family is Sarah Palin and they make mainly processed meals for the family and they live an inactive lifestyle, then it is probably likely that the family will become Sarah Palin.
4. Pregnancy/childbirth: There have been studies that prove that pregnant women are more prone to become Sarah Palin than women that are not pregnant. Perhaps the main reason for this is thought to be that the uterus receives added pressure during pregnancy. This is caused by the growing fetus and this adds additional pressure to the anorectal area which can lead to someone becoming Sarah Palin. When you add the strain of physically giving birth, into the mix, then it isn't to hard to understand why becoming Sarah Palin during pregnancy is so common.
Labels: Awful Grunts, Nasty Turd Bits, Piles, Sarah Palin
Beninski Considers Reinventing His Persona
Marketing, Babies. It is all about the Marketing.Comrade V.I. Beninski has been mulling things over between gulps from his 40 and drags on his cheap cigarettes. Well, they aren't really all that cheap. Have you priced Marlboros lately? You'd think you were paying for a liver transplant or something. Anyway, since being forcibly retired from his previous position as Secretary-General of the Marxist-Leninist-Stalinist-Maoist-Hoxhaist-Beninskiist Big Giant Workers' Peasants' Socialist Democratic Communist Party of the People's Republic of the Whole Entire World, Beninski has given much time and some consideration to staging a come-back. Time is something Beninski has a lot of on his hands. That and donut crumbs. Hey, wait a second. Who was the slimey fuck-wad who slipped "Hoxhaist" in the Party's name? Hoxha can suck on my yam-bag for all I care. Oh yeah, he's dead. Well thank Marx for small favours. Back on message, please. Oh yes, as I was saying Beninski has secured the services of a crack marketing unit associated with a top Fortune 500 firm. Either that or they are a gang of cheap crack whores with weeping facial ulcers and festering genital units who loiter in the alley of his local Korean market spreading 500 types of diseases and other misfortunes in the course of their various criminal associations. We really don't have the time or space to parse out the distinction between marketers and cheap crack whores mainly because that is a distinction without a difference best left to marketers and cheap crack whores to sort out. Jesus!That is my point, not an exclamation. Beninski's new-found marketing associates have told him that Marxist revolutionary party leaders do not poll very high in terms of popularity amongst young Yanks, Aussies and Brits. Jesus Christ, on the other hand, consistently registers in the high thirties in most popularity polls. Consequently, the Revised Marketing Plan these marketing aces-cum-crack whores have submitted suggests that Beninski remake himself in the image of Jesus. So Beninski decided to give it a try, or at least grunted something which the crack whores took to be a gesture of agreement. Beninski let his hair and beard grow out and tried on a robe and Jesus sandals. The police locked him up in the drunk tank where Beninski lost his back-door virginity to a Mexican drug dealer. He tried curing the sick but only succeeded in pissing them off so badly that they doused his ass with butane and set it on fire. He tried to assemble twelve apostles but ended up with a tribe of Hari Krishna adepts who danced circles around him and threw him into the East River when he insisted that they chant his name instead of Krishna's. At least the water extinguished his burning butt, which in his drunken confusion he mistook for the Burning Bush. Jesus, Moses, what's the difference. Beninski tried making friends with Mary Magdalene but she lost interest when he tried to pay her off in worthless old Soviet rubles. He did succeed in turning wine to water, if by water you mean stinky rancid piss. Finally, Beninski became so stoned that he did not notice when the crack whore marketers nailed him up on a cross. Well, it wasn't really a cross so much as a billboard advertisement for Charleston Chews. Incredibly, none of this repackaging has done anything at all to improve Beninski's poll numbers. He continues to poll slightly higher than Dick Cheney and just below Satan in Rasmussen's latest mash-up sampling. Beninski has given up his plans for a do-over and come-back at this time. Right now he is mostly focused on pulling himself loose from the billboard and, once he succeeds in doing that, he plans to staple the crack whores' nut sacks to their elbows. Good luck with that, Comrade Beninski. Labels: Charleston Chews, Crack Whore Marketing Experts, Jesus, Marketing
MY PREDICTION: BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA WILL WIN THE PRESIDENCY IN 2008 AND THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE IN 2009
Mark my words. All of this will happen. And I predict that that nasty little snot Sarah Palin will lose the Vice Presidency in 2008 and quit her job as Governor of the North Pole in 2009. Father Christmas will sack her because he is tired of her smearing baby poop on everything. My last prediction is that Sarah Palin will smear baby poop on 400 blank pages and publish it as her memoir.
Labels: Baby Poop, Nobel Peace Prize, Prescient Predictions, Sarah Palin
Beninski Sells Out: the Neo-Con Awakens
The recent shift in the Development paradigm is creating new opportunities for investors hoping to enter what may be the last of the Emerging Market frontiers. I am of course talking about the exciting new opportunities in Wales, South Wales, New South Wales and Manchester, all parts of Comrade V I "Call Me Chuck" Beninski's post-Beninskivite Commercial Empire. Beninskivites and non-Beninskivites alike increasingly recognize that traditional patterns of assistance reinforce rather than reduce poverty, as cash and in-kind assistance flows destroy local market incentives and fuel corruption while program assistance accomplishes little on the ground beyond paying the salaries of contractors and assistance professionals. Donor countries increasingly are turning to such conditionality-based programs as the Millennium Challenge Corporation to invest in productive infrastructure provided host governments deliver good governance and other policies essential to economic growth. In addition, the United States and Europe increasingly are joining with Beninskivite partners to ensure regional security and stability, essential preconditions for political reform and economic growth, through sustained military partnerships such as the newly commissioned Manchester United Command. This new combination of enhanced security, political and legal reform and economic growth potential creates exciting new opportunities for investors to get in on the ground floor of new potential high-growth markets – provided that they know which countries to focus on, and which new business ventures to engage with.
Our unique value added is that we will make it our business to use our knowledge of the region – its markets, governmental structures, and most importantly, its people – to know which countries “get it” and which ones don’t. We know the people in the international financial institutions and the major aid agencies and nongovernmental organizations in Washington and Brussels who are designing and implementing the conditions for these new development flows into Manchester and perhaps parts of Wales, South Wales and New South Wales. We know the political and economic leaders who are developing and implementing new economic policies in their host countries. Through this knowledge we will be able to work with Beninskivite businesspersons on the ground to identify and act on new investment opportunities that flow from the new capacities that good governance, sound development policies and regional stability inevitably must create.
Our venture will explicitly support the efforts of donor and host organizations to promote economic growth and regional security by creating jobs for Beninskivites who, in turn, can create more jobs for more Beninskivites. By focusing on different aspects of our fund depending on the predilections of our potential clients, we could attempt to secure funding support from a wide range of potential investors who fall under this category. The Beninski Development Bank, for example, is an obvious example. We might expect to attract similar support from less traditional donors – the Beninskivite Development Bank, for example – by focusing on Beninskivite youth job creation and by offering Beninskivite banking products. Or, with regard to corporations or investment funds headed by retired military officers, we might emphasize the security benefits to be afforded the United States by drying up the breeding swamps of tomorrow’s terrorists. The one selling point that will be common to all our target offices is that we will be able to leverage market shifts to produce sustainable, respectable returns on their investments.
We aim for high returns in excess of 30% per year through two principal strategies. First, we will identify sectors and opportunities where conditions that have deterred investment -- like excessive corruption, endemic security problems, regulatory and cultural restraints on demand, and high information costs -- are rapidly changing. Second, we will identify opportunities where synergistic investment from the IFC, ADB, and European development agencies like FMO and KfW and seed money from U.S. interests like Beninski.com, the Gates Foundation, and EMP will greatly improve the odds of success for portfolio ventures by solving coordination problems.
Labels: Adenoids, Beninski, Terra Incognita
A NEW NOM DE GUERRE?
I V I Beninski am considering a Change of Seasonal Course, based upon the advice of my Life Coach, Mildred. Apparently I should pay 30 US dollars (about three quid at the current rate of exchange) to a certain Rev. Ivan Stang of the Church of the Sub-Genius, who in return for said consideration will confer upon me a Doctor of Divinities degree which, believe it or not, is recognized as valid by the American Government, the wankers. I should then take on the pastoral throne name of His Holiness the Archpope Rev. Hyperkineticus Linoleuminati XXIII and then attempt to convert the World (or at least forty well-heeled idiots willing to bankroll my effort) to a new religion that venerates Sarah Silverman or some such nonsense.
Who is with me?
Labels: Errant Nonsense, Religion, Sarah Silverman, World Revolution
Moosings of a Skandihoovian Beninski Hater
Comrade Beninski, Unbent and Unbowed at Comrade Petrocelli's Latest Veiled Threat, Apparently Scrawled in Crayon Over the Blanked-Out Headline of His Favourite Tabloid
The Outpourings of a Particularly Virulent Skandihoovian Beninski-Hater follow as Self-Referential Evidence of the Intellectual Poverty of the Anti-Beninskivite Gang. It is unclear as to exactly what Skandihoovian language this is written in. Nobody knows and nobody cares. The fact is that the last native speaker of a Skandihoovian language --Sheepish, Hamish, Ricewinic, Whoreregion or Skittish -- died from some horrible congenital throat condition in 1998. Whatever. All Skandihoovians are nothing but Fish-eating Pudding-faces.
Jag har:(x) snott den här listan från nån
(x) rökt en cigarett
( ) rökt en cigarr
(x) varit full
(x) hånglat med någon av samma kön
(x) varit kär
( ) blivit dumpad
(x) dumpat någon
( ) fått sparken
(x) varit i slagsmål
(x) rymt hemifrån
(x) haft känslor för någon som inte kännt samma sak
( ) blivit arresterad
(/) hånglat med en främling
( ) gått på en blinddejt
(x) ljugit för en kompis
( ) varit kär i en lärare
(/) skolkat
( ) legat med en medarbetare
(x) sett någon död
(/) varit kär i en av mina internetkompisar
( ) varit i Kanada
( ) varit i Mexiko
(x) flygit
( ) spytt i en bar
(x) sett en del av dig själv brinna
(x) ätit sushi
(x) åkt snowboard
( ) crowdsurfat under en konsert
( ) varit i ett våldsamt förhållande
(x) tagit smärtstillande
(x) älskar eller saknar någon just nu
(x) legat på rygg och sett molnen flyga förbi
(x) gjort en snöängel
(x) haft ett te-party
(x) byggt ett sandslott
(x) hoppat i en vattenpöl
(x) lekt uppklädd
(x) hoppat i en lövhög
(x) åkt släde
(x) fuskat när du spelat spel
(x) varit ensam
(x) somnat i skolan/på jobbet
( ) använt ett falskt id
(x) tittat på en solnedgång
( ) varit med i en jordbävning
(x) rört en orm
(x) sovit under stjärnorna
(x) blivit kittlad
( ) blivit "rånad"
(x) blivit missförstådd
( ) tagit hand om ett råddjur/en get
(x) vunnit en tävling
(x) gått mot rött
( ) blivit avstängd från skolan
( ) varit i en bilolycka
(x) haft kramp
(x) känt dig som en utstött
(x) ätit ett helt glasspaket på en natt
(x) dansat i månljus
(x) hatat ditt utseende
(x) varit vittne till ett brott
(x) ifrågasatt ditt hjärta
(x) varit besatt av post-it lappar
(x) gått barfota i lera och pressat leran mellan tårna
(x) varit vilse
(x) varit på andra sidan landet
(x) simmat i havet
(x) kännt som om du håller på att dö
(x) gråtit dig själv till sömns
(x) lekt polis och rånare
(x) sjungt kareoke
(x) betalat för mat med bara mynt
(x) gjort något med dig själv som du inte borde gjort
(x) busringt
(x) fångat en snöflinga på tungan
(x) dansat i regn
(x) skrivit ett brev till tomten
(x) tittat på solnedgången tillsammans med någon du bryr dig om
(x) blåst bubblor
(x) gjort upp eld på en strand
(x) förstört en fest
(x) åkt rullskridskor
(x) fått en önskan inslagen
(x) burit pärlor
(x) hoppat från en bro
(x) ätit hund/katt-mat
(x) sagt till en främling att du älskar honom/henne
(x) kysst en spegel
(x) sjungit i duschen
(x) burit en svart klänning
( ) drömt att du gift dig med någon
(x) limmat fast din hand i något
(x) fastnat med tungan i metall
(x) kysst en fisk
( ) varit en cheerleader
(x) suttit på ett tak
(x) skrikit så att du inte fått luft
( ) byggt en kärra
(x) pratat i telefon i mer än sex timmar
(x) stannat uppe hela natten
(x) inte duschat på en vecka
(x) plockat och ätit ett äpple direktfrån trädet
(x) klättrat i träd
(x) haft en träkoja
( ) är rädd för att titta på skräckfilm ensam
(x) tror på spöken
(x) burit fula/annorlunda kläder i skolan för att höra vad folksäger
(x) blivit puttad i en pool med kläderna på
(x) blivit tillsagd av en främling att du är het
(x) brutit ett ben i kroppen
(x) fångat en fisk och sen ätit den
(x) fångat en fjäril
(x) skrattat så mycket att du grät
(x) gråtit så mycket att du skrattade
(x) fuskat på ett prov
( ) haft en Britney Spears-skiva
(x) glömt någons namn
Labels: Feminism, Scandinavia, Social Democracy
Good on You, Beninski -- Idle Commentary by the Notorious Marilin Petrocelli
I think it is great that Beninski has quit this blog. Not just because he quit, but because he recognized that as a megalomaniac, even in a non-partisan position, sometimes party affiliation tells a lot about who you are and what you believe in. As a hater of Beninski, my individual party affiliation doesn’t much matter. I can hate Beninski all I want, and say nasty things about him all I want. But, once you enter the political arena, you are expected to support party candidates and party ideology. If your party affiliation doesn’t fit after a while, then it’s time to move on. Sometimes, that takes a lot of courage to do. Not in Beninski's case, of course. He is a whining little deceiving jerk.
Labels: Cerebral Malaria, Plagiarism, Rockefeller Brothers
Another View of Marilyn Petrocelli Doing the Evil Deed to V.I. Beninski
Well, not really.
Actually she is just cleaving his melon with a pick-axe.
Wouldn't it be something to see the other thing, instead?
Not for me, it wouldn't. I just had tea and I'd hate to have to clean up my computer screen. Yuck.
Still, she does have that similar look of glee on her nasty face.
Beninski on the other hand does not look at all happy with his current circumstance.
The poor barstard.
Labels: Dormant Grudges, Eddie Haskel
ANOTHER TRAGIC TRAGEDY BEFALLS BENINSKI
You might remember that last summer Beninski was hankering after a hammock to camp in. So he did a lot of reseach and it seemed that Hennessey Hammocks was the place to go. Broadway gave him some hammock cash as a present when he-left in the autumn, and he got some birthday money this spring too as a down-payment on his World Revolution from his Uncle Leonid. Soon the weather started warming up and Beninski's thoughts turned once again to camping. He spent a while humming and hawing over which hammock to get; in the end he got a 'heavier' model with extra-big rain sheet and rain collectors and anti-rain packing bags (rather than the ultra-lightweight version) because while it isn't absolutely certain he will ever get to walk the AT, he says without any doubt whatsoever that if he goes camping in Britain, it *will* rain. Beninski's just itching to try it out! His Engineering friends (who he thought would be all over it) are distinctly bored and unimpressed by the idea, but his English friend is almost as excited as Beninski is. Hurrah!
Labels: Bulging Thyroid Condition Eyes, HAMMOCKS, Scooter Libby
MARILYN PETROCELLI REBUTSIn other words, she hacked her way into this Blog and is having her way with itAt right, you see what Beninski really looks like
Eight months ago, I began a process to kill Beninski. Not wound him, or give him a noogy, but to kill him. Lawyers are used to being called upon to kill people, but I found sometimes that what Beninski needs is not just to be killed but to be tortured to death.
Thus, lawyers help people die. The only problem is that before you can begin to kill other people, you have to take a good look at your own life. And, what I found was missing in my life was a sawed-off shotgun and a chain-saw. So, when the brochure came in the mail a couple of months ago for Guns R Us, it intrigued me. Part of what Guns R Us does is train people to shoot guns and cut people up with chain-saws. This particular training was for the L. H. Oswald Memorial Shoot 'Em Up Contest in January. One of the added benefits is that, in exchange for the training, you get to kill people. The marriage of killing and killing seemed to be a sign that this was something that I should pursue. Fortunately, I found that there were other lawyers who had similar goals. Thus, "Team Petrocelli" was born. We are in the first month of training and while I am happy I am doing the training, it is much harder than I ever imagined. If you ever thought about cutting people up with chain-saws, here's what you can expect. Your alarm will go off at 5 a.m. because it is way too hot to kill people later in the morning. You will start your chain-saw before the newspaper arrives; you'll need it to help clean up the mess afterwards. I didn't think anyone was even up before the newspaper was delivered, but the first thing you will notice is that there are lots of people out at this time in the morning. I usually kill them all. When I think that all these people were out running, walking their dogs, riding bikes, and I was at home sleeping, I realize it wasn't that I didn't have time to kill people but that I was wasting the time I did have. The next thing you will find is that there are people out there just like you. Watch out for them, especially if they have long-bore sniper rifles. Some will make the grade and compete in the Shoot-Em-Up, some will wooss out, and some will just become worm food. Whatever the goal, the camaraderie of training as a group gives you the motivation to keep going, especially if someone is pointing a loaded, cocked Magnum .350 at your head. You also will discover that cutting people up is addictive. You will finish your morning chain-saw job and feel as if you could do it all over again that afternoon. Of course you don't, because the purpose is to try and follow the training schedule so as not to hurt yourself. But other than the physical benefits, there are also the altruistic reasons that keep us going. Killing Beninski will be a real benefit to society. And despite the aches and pains, that we are training for a cause gives added motivation. As a colleague said, "If people have to involuntarily go through the pain of chemotherapy or other cancer treatment, I can voluntarily put them through even more pain when I chop them up with my chain-saw." Regardless of the reasons, if you ever thought you might be interested in cutting people up with chain-saws it isn't too late to start. The Shoot-'Em-Up is four months away. So, join a team and start dismembering folks today. Because what you will find is that you are cutting people up for life.
Labels: Cerebral Malaria, Plagiarism, Rockefeller Brothers
Rat Bastard Is No Longer A ProblemNot for Comrade V.I. Beninski, Anyway
As you can plainly see in the lower of the two illustrations, Rat Bastard has been cast on the ash-heap of history.
The illustration at the top explains why: Comrade V.I. Beninski dispatched his crack assassin I mean Party Militant Comrade Lavrenti Bearia to whack the little bastard. Comrade Bearia is shown here reaching out his mighty paw to grab the unsuspecting rodent and then jam his silly rat head into a giant rat trap. Cynics amongst you might comment on the strange facts that Comrade Bearia is wearing a yellow and red striped jumper and grinning like that fool idiot Prince Harry at the same time that the Rat Bastard in the lower illustration bears absolutely no resemblance to the rather Chuck E. Cheesey illustration at the top. Well, fuck you.
In any event we have only to await Comrade Marilyn Petrocelli's response. She should thank the good Comrade for doing her a favour. Fat chance of that happening.
Oh by the way, you can belay that order to worship that dreadful Rat Bastard fellow.
Labels: Cerebral Malaria, Plagiarism, Rockefeller Brothers
CRIKEY!!
Reports have sprinkled in of Marilyn Petrocelli, arch-enemy of Comrade Beninski and suspected confidant of Oregon Governor Sarah Silverman, stumbling into her former place of employment drunk and obnoxious. Dressed in a black dress Marilyn exposed her adenoids and screamed at the staff stating, “You know how much money I make? I could buy all of you.” Marilyn’s former co-workers were dumbfounded as to how radically Marilyn has changed since her departure from the business. Rat Bastard, a well know gay porn star, could only mumble, “want to see my wiener?” over and over again because of the shock at seeing Marilyn in such a pitiful state. Marilyn then proceeded to low hug all bar patrons and Senator Larry Craig who had some how gotten into the Redwood Room again.
Security officer Mildred Eaudecologne, who was seen yelling at two elderly women because they asked for directions to Union Square, could not understand how Marilyn was able to afford drinks in the bar. Apparently Marilyn has found a lucrative job with the California Highway Patrol. Marilyn has changed her hair considerably and lost weight for her new career that will not only open doors for her in the criminal justice system but also be vital when she decides to sell undeveloped real estate in Arkansas.
However, many of Marilyn’s colleagues have voiced their opposition to Marilyn’s dramatic change. Frieda Endoscopy's publicist released this comment to the media, “Ms. Endoscopy is very hurt by this change in his long time friend. She feels that Ms. Petrocelli has failed to stay true to the Face Punchers code of ethics by violating several bylaws under the Don’t Be a Fag section and should be kicked in the gazebo by all Face Punchers and forced to look at Rat Bastard’ wiener as punishment.”
Marilyn could not be reached for comment but was last seen skipping through the Marina yelling, “I’m bringing sexy back.”
Labels: California Highway Patrol, Face Punchers, Sarah Silverman
Marilyn the Genius!
Rejoice with me! Marilyn has been accepted into the Advanced Placement program in the Rockwood School District! She's only in first grade and has already been tested for AP and passed! Thanks to her teacher Mrs. Bridge, who noticed what a smarty Marilyn is! Never mind that Marilyn is pushing 51 and has a set of varicose veins running up her chicken legs that would make a road-map jealous.
The clincher was knowing where all the pulse points are on the human body. They learned it in gym class, but when tested, Marilyn was the only student who retained the information. The others obviously were too stoned to even try to pretend to remember.
We can credit me for all of the ridiculously big words this old crow can use correctly in a sentence, and my mom for Marilyn's ability with numbers. (Heaven knows I can't work with numbers. I try, but the best I can do is count backwards by various numbers: e.g. "Count backwards by 8 from 100". I'm good at that for some reason.)
And she can remember ANYTHING she sees, hears, or reads. Do not play memory games with Marilyn. Seriously. She'll kick your ass six ways from here to Tokyo and back again. I know this from (humiliating) experience. (But she cheats at board games. Hmmm...)
Anyway, just wanted to share. I'm so proud!
Labels: Advanced Mathematics, Middle-Aged Prodigies, Varicose Veins
BENINSKI CONSIDERS LEGAL ACTION
and then changes his mind
Comrade V.I. Beninski, unable to find a barrister willing to take his case alleging assault and battery and possession of a big hairy cootch against Comrade M.T. Petrocelli, mostly because they are all too worried that the nasty evil snake-bitch will come after them next, has decided to bury the hatchet, so to speak. In the interests of comradely relations and World Revolution, he is willing to express his sorrow and regret for having published private details of their dark and twisted deviant relationship if she will promise to stop smacking him in the melon with a pick-axe. A response from Comrade Petrocelli to this generous offer is expected presently.
Labels: Desparation, Enraged Floozies, Legal Opinions
Comrade V.I. Beninski Takes Some Aspirin and Then Commences to Kicking Some Serious Marilyn Petrocelli ButtThe title and the illustration pretty much give away the narrative of this particular story. But if you like, I can make up some details to make this posting somewhat more interesting. I will take your silence as a yes. Beninski laid down in his bed with his melon wrapped up like Osama bin Ladin on crack for what seemed like an awful long time, moaning and hurting and carrying on all the while like it was nobody's business. After a while he succeeded in choking down a fist full of them St. Joseph's adult strength aspirins he takes to make sure his blood pumper is working all right, and soon enough he managed to pull himself out of bed. That Beninski feller didn't want but two things: a long tall glass of Jack Daniel's finest, and to exact his revenge on that nasty pick axe-wielding, strangely top-hat wearing evil snake-bitch Marilyn Petrocelli. This picture tells the whole story of how he did the dirty deed; no sense gilding the lily, now, is there? The real truth is that Beninski just ran away to another town and country as far away from that nasty she-devil as his feets would take him. One thing Beninski don't need is another danged ice-pick in his melon. Damn, but that woman is ice cold.
Labels: Basque Irridentism, Nuclear Strawberries, Over the Counter Medication
Comrade V.I. Beninski Gets His Comeuppance:
The Revenge of Marilyn Petrocelli
LEFT-- Hurting Beninski RIGHT-- Gloating Marilyn
Comrade V.I. Beninski, the once great Lord Protector of Wales, New South Wales, South Wales and parts of Manchester, not to mention Secretary-General of the yeah you've heard it all before, has learned that the Marxist Dialectic has no Fury like a Woman Scorned. It seems a certain Marilyn Petrocelli, an evil snake-bitch lawyer of some sort who dwells in the Firiest Depths of one of Nature's Most Arid Zonas, apparently took exception to Beninski publishing his perverted account of their long-hidden dark and twisted school-time indiscretions from the days when they were both students of Hegelian Dialectical Rhetoric at the University of Southern Khabarovsk, in which he might possibly have suggested that she once gave him a nasty case of the clap. Right.
Ms. Petrocelli was unamused by the insinuation. She first made an angry face at Beninski. She then made angry sounds at Beninski. Then she gave him an angry slap in his proleterian face. She even waggled her boney finger at him and popped out her bulging thyroid condition eyes in a most threatening and menacing manner. Then she hauled off and smacked him on the melon with a pick-axe she always keeps on hand to make her point at trial. Beninski reacted as any great Marxist Dialectician would. He howled like a little girl and ran away. As you can see from the photo, Beninski is far from feeling at the top of his game. Still, he says his only regret is not having published details about the extraordinary number of dark and hair-sprouting moles Marilyn has on her wobbly bits and how impossibly hairy her rather generously over-sized cootch is.It is a good thing Ms. Petrocelli has a sense of humour or poor Beninski would really be up the shitter, now wouldn't he. Labels: Bulging Thyroid Condition Eyes, Hair-Sprouting Moles, Throbbing Carburetors
Ode to BigosBeninski really likes BigosRIGHT -- Beninski and some of his cronies line up to tuck into some bigos, taking care to bring along with them a large red communal napkin
"Bigos is being cooked in every kettle. In human language it is hard to settle. The marvels of its odour, hue and taste; In poetry's description one has traced. Only the clinking words and clanking rhymes; No city stomach to its rapture climbs. To savour Lithuanian songs and cooks, One must have health, reside in country nooks. And be returning from a hunting party. Even without such sauce to make one hearty, This bigos is no ordinary dish, For it is aptly framed to meet your wish. Founded upon good cabbage, sliced and sour, Which, as men say, by its own zest and power, Melts in one's mouth, it settles in a pot. And in its dewy bosom folds a lot. Of the best portions of selected meat; Scullions parboil it then, until the heat Draws from its substance all the living juices, And, from the pot's edge, boiling fluid sluices, And all the Air is fragrant with its scent. The bigos was soon done. With armament Of spoons, with triple shout, the hunting gang Assailed the kettle; then the copper rang; The steams burst forth; by hungry valour banished, The bigos flew away, like camphor vanished; Only the steams remained, the pots' curators, As in extinct volcanoes' smoking craters." BY ADAM MICKIEWICZ, THE GREATEST POLISH POET IN THE H
ISTORY OF POLAND, WHO HAD NOTHING BETTER TO WRITE ABOUT THAN SOUR CABBAGE STEW
Labels: Bigos, Scooter Libby, the General Lee
Beninski, ReconsideredComrade V.I. Beninski has succeeded in convincing himself that the Soviet Union has established a Protectorate over Wales, South Wales, New South Wales and Manchester, over which it has annointed Comrade V.I. Beninski as Secretary-General and Lord High Protector. He has established his Summer Capitol at the Slug and Lettuce, over to the Friary Centre, in Cardiff Gwent, and his Other Winter Capitol at the Paddington Inn, in the heart of Oxford Street in Sydney's Eastern Suburbs. In his first act since taking office, Comrade V.I. Beninski has nationalised the Manchester United football club and dedicated the proceeds to keeping his glass full and the ladies happy at the Slug and Lettuce, where you can usually find him either pounding his shoe on the table and shouting at the top of his voice or trying to chat up some of the local talent somewhere near the loo. As soon as Comrade V.I. Beninski can puzzle out where South Wales is he intends to extend his mastery there, as well. It would appear that Comrade V.I. Beninski has lost his senses. Right. Labels: Dementia, Slug and Lettuce, Unenforced Protectorates
COMMUNIQUEIf you were expecting something witty or interesting from Comrade V.I. Beninski, you are out of luck. He is feeling peevish because he had a Charleston Chew candy-bar in his back pocket to snack on later on but it melted and seeped out the wrapper and what a mess. If something like that won't put you off World Revolution, I don't know what will.
Why don't you just run off and make yourself useful. Off with you now. That's a good lad. Labels: Charleston Chews, Irritable Bowel Syndrome
CLARIFICATIONBeninski provides the following gloss on his previous posting:
Dictator? I hardly knew her!
Labels: Errant Nonsense, Gibberish
A Huge AnnouncementMarilyn as portrayed by some famous Hollywood chick. Wouldn't Beninski like to get some of that action.
Beninski has deigned to explain all the who's, what's, where's, how's and why's of the time he very articulately discussed Plekhanov and the Iron Law of Wages with that scary freaky tom-cat Marilyn Petrocelli in the back of the debate room at their undergraduate college, the University of Southern Khabarovsk.
But unfortunately the only thing Beninski can remember about it was the nasty case of the clap she gave him.
Oooh, ow, it still burns.
And what an embarrassing variant on the Napoleonic pose it has compelled him to adopt in all his official Dictator of the Proletariat pictures.Labels: Archpope Hyperkineticus Linoleuminati XXIII, Depends, Regent University
Hoxha Responds to Beninski from the GraveYou are one sick bastard, you know that Beninski? Sick, sick, sick.
Labels: Enver Hoxha, Fetal Positioning, Widgets
BREAKING NEWSThis just in: Comrade Enver Hoxha, Secretary-General of the Albanian Socialist Workers' Party, and for whom Comrade V.I. Beninski evidently nurses a fierce grudge, passed from this world in the glorious Albanian capital of Tirane on 11th April, 1985. That means the dude's DEAD, man. Stiff, cold, worm-food, pushin' up daisies, sleepin' with the fishes, takin' a dirt nap, decomposing, formerly alive, doing the corpse dance, wearin' pennies for sunglasses, door-knob city. So tell us Beninski, baby, why you obsessing so much about a relationship that ceased to relate back when hootchies was wearin' Sassoon?Comrade V.I. Beninski responds: Hoxha dead? I didn't even know he was sick. Then gets me my dancin' shoes and points me to his grave, 'cause it's macarena time for this sick puppy! Labels: Cookies, New York Times, Nostalgia
Sayings of Chairman BeninskiI'd like a cheeseburger, fries, and a diet coke, please. And why don't you super-size it. No, that's all, thank you. -- 23 November 2000, addressing a massive crowd of enthusiastic supporters through a McDonald's drive-through microphone in Chelsea on the occasion of the 134th anniversary of the birth of Karl Marx's pet schnauzer, WilliSir, excuse me... I'm looking for Marble Arch. Could you please tell me which direction I need to go? -- 12 December 1994, raging against a representative of the oppressive capitalist machine in London on the occasion of the 163rd anniversary of Friedrich Engels' angry run-in with his landlordWhy of course I'll respect you in the morning. We're soul-mates, you and me. -- a quotation repeated too many times to count to far too many enthusiastic supporters to even try to rememberNo, I'm sorry, you must have misdialed. No problem at all. -- 9 August 1999, delivering guidance to an unknown revolutionary co-conspirator on the occasion of the 12th anniversary of yeah whatever Labels: Hitler, McDonald's, Sarah Silverman
Comrade V. I. Beninski Soundly Repudiates the Revisionist Propaganda of the Capitalist Running Dog Enver Hoxha by Mercilessly Dissecting and Viciously Exposing the Internal Contradictions of His Weak Attempts at Pseudo-Marxist Dialectic Obnogynocological Quantum Di-Ruthenian Inversion Diffusion Analysis, and Gloats Over Past Conquests Both Real and Mostly Imagined
I Told Him Junkers, Not Bunkers: A Thorough Thrashing of That Nasty Albanian Douche-Bag HoxhaHoxha held the view that U.S.-led imperialism should be mercilessly exposed politically and ideologically. At no time should we permit flattery, prettification or softness towards imperialism. No concessions of principle should be made to imperialism. Tactics and compromises on our part should help our cause not that of the enemy. I said Enver, baby, you have a pretty good approach to dealing with these Yank wankers, and I am 100% sold on your doctrine "when in doubt whip it out." But your women: bow-wow! There's no way on Marx's green earth mighty Albania is gonna conquer the world if you don't let me slap a little lipstick on these pigs. Hoxha's response was as ugly as his gap-toothed no-brow mug: he gave me a swift kick to the wife's best friend and packed me off to a reeducation camp in Durres. The whole incident was quite unpleasant, actually.
Hoxha thought that facing a ruthless enemy, the guarantee for the triumph of our cause lies in our complete unity which will be secured by eliminating the deep ideological disagreements which have been manifested, and by basing this unity on Marxist-Leninist foundations, on equality, on brotherhood, on a comradely spirit and proletarian internationalism. Our Party is of the opinion that, not only should we not have any ideological divisions, but that we should maintain a unified political stand on all issues. Our tactics and strategy towards the enemy should be worked out by all our parties, based on Marxist-Leninist principles, on correct political criteria complying with the concrete existing situations. I told Hoxha yeah, whatever. What you need Enver baby is to get some cash flow going. Big expensive giant statues of Josef Stalin aren't gonna build themselves, you know. You need to invest in some used cars from Florida rental companies, spray some paint on the outside and some of that new car smell on the inside, and sell those puppies to unsuspecting chumps in Newcastle and Leeds. Junkers, Enver Baby, you need to get in on the ground floor of the Junker market. I then winced in anticipation of yet another kick to my Marxist principles. Instead, Hoxha, whose attention span was about as long as his pug nose, said What a Great Idea, and ordered his knuckle-dragging minions to start building bunkers all over the place. Then he turned around and kicked me in the Walter Ulbricht zone for good measure. I never really liked Hoxha too much after that.
I'm fed up talking about that rat-faced jerk Hoxha. Right now I want to talk about another one of my college coed bimbos, Carla. Man, wasn't she built like a brick Palace of the People, and couldn't she give dialectic like it was nobody's business. Then one day she caught me attempting to take a unified political stand with one of her sorority comrades. Unfortunately for the revolution Carla had mastered Hoxha's polemical techniques and dealt me a painful kick in the concrete existing situation that still has me seeing red stars.
Labels: Brandy, Hedgefunds, Pets
